Discovering you are expecting another child can be joyous and exciting news. But unlike your first pregnancy, this is going to have an immense impact on the life of your firstborn child, who until now has had sole occupancy at the centre of your universe.
SASHA CUFF looks at preparing your child for a sibling…
Ben is about to be a farther for the second time, and expertly sums up how a child might feel about the arrival of a sibling: “Imagine your husband arriving home with his beautiful blonde secretary and she is going to be moving in permanently!” One minute they are the sole benefactor of all your attention, adored and cherished by family and friends, and the next they have to share all this with a new baby. Preparing your child well in advance will make the transition into “big brother” or “big sister” much easier.
Your child’s age plays a significant part in how and when to break the news of your pregnancy. A younger child may not actually grasp the concept that ‘mummy has a baby in her tummy’ until it is starting to show, whereas an older child will have a better understanding of this. Lauren, mother of two-year-old Matthew, recently gave birth to Joshua. “When I fell pregnant, Matthew was barely over a year old and so telling him about the new arrival was very difficult until I had a definite stomach to show for it,” she says.
“Before the birth I could get Matt to kiss and hug my tummy, which he seemed to enjoy doing! I also have a doll in the toy box for when girls come to play, and I would use it to show him what the new baby would look like.”
Ben, father of Cameron, adds, “Cameron is only 18 months old, so his comprehension of a new sister is pretty limited but when asked where his sister is he points to Katie’s tummy and he kisses and strokes it, but I’m not convinced he really knows what it is about.”
Child psychologist Kate Scott has the view: “Although very young toddlers may have little or no understanding of pregnancy, having them around other babies can help. However, for many toddlers the baby will not become ‘real’ to them until it is born.”
The experience for Catherine was a lot more stressful as her second pregnancy was plagued by the worry that her unborn baby might have Down’s syndrome. Catherine elaborates, “A lot of time and energy was spent worrying and stressing about the results of the amnio and I felt resentful that my pregnancy was already detracting from my time with my toddler Alexis.” She made sure Alexis was out of her cot and weaned off bottles before the birth of her second child. “We started this the moment we heard I was pregnant, so she did not associate these things being taken away with the new baby.”
A bigger age gap requires a different approach. Asking the child’s opinion on minor decisions, such as selecting toys for the nursery or choosing a ‘come home’ outfit for baby from a few you have pre-selected, will enhance the child’s sense of importance and involvement in the proceedings. When Penny found out that she was expecting again, she and her husband, Mike, decided to let five-year old daughter Keara help choose a name for the new baby. “Keara was set on ‘Jessica’ but we found out it was going to be a boy, so Keara wanted us to name him Jesse instead. We preferred Rowan, but allowed ‘Jesse’ as a second name and Keara insists on calling him Rowan Jesse!” laughs Penny.
When Angela discovered she was pregnant again, her daughter Brittany was four. “We got Brittany to help pick a name for her sister, I found out what the sex was before she was born, thinking it would be easier for her to adjust to the new arrival.”
An approach adopted by Milena and her husband, Nick, was to give their daughter Sabrina’s room a complete makeover at the same time as they prepared the nursery for the new baby. “Sabrina was very excited to show visitors her new room,” Milena added. “She also donated or loaned some of her favorite stuffed toys to the new baby’s nursery.”
It’s a good idea to give your child a realistic idea of what they can expect when the baby arrives. Explain that you will be tired and that the baby will take up lost of your time. Put into plain words that the baby will not be able to do much at first and can’t be a playmate for a while. Make it clear that the new baby will have to be handled very gently – a good way to do this is by demonstrating how to handle it using a doll or a teddy. Experts stress the importance of acknowledging your child’s feelings, letting her ask questions and voice concerns. Reassurance seems to be the key and a lovely way of doing this is by looking at baby photos and videos of your first child together and sharing with your child how excited you were when they were born and how proud you are of them.
Of course there are also the practical adjustments that need to be made before the new arrival. In some cases, alterations are needed in the home to accommodate a bigger family and many parents also consider upgrading to a bigger, more ‘family-friendly’ car. Treating these events as exciting changes for the whole family to get involved in and not just for the new baby will help the older child adjust better.
Having your child present at the birth of a new baby is an interesting approach adopted by some parents. Understandable this is not permitted in hospitals but is possible during a home delivery. Robyn Sheldon, a natural birthing specialist, says, “It depends on the child, but it can be a wonderful experience for them. The birth process doesn't seem to phase them as long as they have been told what will happen.” Robyn adds, “We often have a dedicated child minder during the birth who will focus purely on how the child is coping. Very often the child gets bored and wanders in and out the room where the birth is taking place. If the mother is relaxed, the child is too.” If you opt for a hospital birth, the consensus is to ensure your child is comfortable with whoever is looking after them and that the usual routine is maintained. Says Lauren, “I left a few presents next to Matthew’s bed from the new baby and I got my mom to come and stay the night as Dale and I had to be at the hospital before 6am! I prepped Matthew the whole day about what was going to happen ‘tomorrow’ and how when he woke up his Gogga (granny) would be there for him. He came to visit me as soon as I came out of the recovery room.”
“It is only after the baby has been born that the real work begins!” are the sentiments of Jean Welsh, an educational psychologist for the ‘Parent-Infant Intervention Program’ at the Parent centre. “During the initial excitement of the new arrival, people must be careful not to forget to pay attention to the older child.” Kate Scott adds, “Going out in the public often involves strangers fussing over the newborn. When they tell you how beautiful your new baby is, you could say, ‘Yes, she is just as beautiful as my firstborn is!’ “Lauren agrees: ‘I asked family members and close friends to greet Matt first before giving Josh a cuddle – and especially to ask him to show them the new baby. He seemed proud to do this!”
Another suggestion is to have some special ‘big brother’ or ‘big sister’ gifts to give your child as various friends and relatives start showing up with baby gifts, so your older child won’t feel left out. Jean stresses, “There is a fine balance between spoiling them, when it is in fact good for them to go through this. It is a learning experience which is very important in life and there seems to be a strong correlation between children with siblings coping better in life relationships.”
Jealousy and sibling rivalry is not unusual and it is essential to acknowledge the feelings of the child. Jean suggests that when a child says, “I don’t want another baby,” you could say, ‘I can hear that you don’t like the idea of sharing me.” When a child says, “You’re always with the baby!” you could say, “You don’t like me spending so much time with her.” In extreme cases a child can attempt to harm the new baby. Obviously protecting the baby from hurt is paramount and Jean’s views are that “you need to be very specific that it is the behavior you do not approve of and will not tolerate and not the child himself.” Lauren adds, “When Matthew has shown any small signs of jealousy – like telling me to put Josh ‘away’ in the cot – I have brushed over it, and often made a point of telling Matthew that Josh is smiling at him (although it might just have been a wind!).”
“Each time the bay reached a new ‘milestone’ in its development, it causes a disruption in the older child’s behavior and puts its nose out of joint!” says Jean. Another common response to the arrival of a new sibling is regression, where a child reverts to baby-like behavior such as wanting the breast or bottle, crawling, bed-wetting or becoming very clingy. Penny has seen this with Keara. “Keara was only three when Liam was born so she didn’t seem that affected by his arrival, but with Rowan she has gone from being a very independent little girl to becoming clingy. She doesn’t want to go to school, or sleep on her own and wants to be with me all the time. It seems the bigger the age gap, the harder the adjustment for the older child.”
Catherine has also experienced regression with toddler Alexis. “She does things such as stealing the baby’s dummy to suck it and climbing into the pram. She also crawls around on her hands and knees saying ‘dada’ and ‘mama’ and announces that she is a tiny baby. She asked me if she can breastfeed too (a definite no in my book) and loves to bath in the small plastic baby bath. I find the more I ignore the behavior the less she does it,” explains Catherine.
Jean and Kate both suggest reaffirming all the things a baby cannot do such as drinking from a cup, walking, talking, doing a puzzle or climbing on a jungle gym. “If they want a bottle, stress that it is not that they cannot have it, but that they don’t need it,” suggests Jean. “If they persist, give it to them, as they are very likely to quickly lose interest in it anyway.” Bed wetting is a slightly more serious sign of distress and it is likely that the child needs to have more time and attention devoted to comforting and supporting them. “You don’t need to rush off to a psychologist, but can actually tackle this as a parent and it usually resolves itself,” explains Jean.
Managing a young child and a new baby is very challenging, but even 15 minutes devoted to focusing purely on your older child can do a lot to help them adjust better to this change. “Let him sit in your lap if that is all he wants to do, or do a fun activity and do not talk about the new baby at all,” suggests Jean. Penny feels this is also a big step in avoiding the so-called ‘middle-child’ syndrome. “With our middle child Liam, my husband Mike or I ensure that we find a way to spend as much quality time as we can dedicated purely to Liam and his needs and doing this only with him.” It is also a good idea to ensure that your older child has something that they don’t need to share with the new baby such as their own special, private space at home.
An older child gains a real sense of importance and responsibility by helping to care for and contribute towards raising the new baby. “I think it is important to make the sibling feel that the baby is as much theirs as ours and they need to be involved in helping with as much of the day-to-day baby works possible,” Ben says. Catherine shares the fact that Alexis helps fetch nappies, dummies or blankets, is very nurturing and she even cuddles the monitor when she hears the baby crying. After Angela’s daughter Hannah was born, Brittany helped bath her and sang to her when she cried. Nick and Milena bought Sabrina a step-stool so that she could move it around and participate in helping to bath and nappy change her new brother. What we tend to forget is that our firstborn children are exactly that – children, who will still need a lot of our time, undivided attention and reassurance.
- October 2007: Pg. 10 – 11, Joburg’s Child
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