There is no mistaking, dads are different to moms. Men were not designed to parent like women – they were designed to fulfill an entirely different role
We asked dads to tell us what they believe they bring to their child’s life, what their role is as a father and how they believe fatherhood has changed them. No names have been given as the fathers were promised anonymity in exchange for candid truths!
...on the birth
“I really had no idea what to expect. You can read every book and listen to every bit of advice and still not be ready.”
“It was a very emotional day. My wife was in so much pain and I could do nothing to help or fix it. But I realized that just being there for her and supporting her emotionally was all she needed me to do.”
“I couldn’t believe this tiny little creature was meant to be with us. I truly couldn’t see how he was going to survive the night. I was assured that he would be fine and then the anxiety eased and I fell in love.”
“There are no words to describe the feeling of watching your own baby come into the world. It’s all at once the scariest, most exciting experience.”
“We adopted our baby and the day we took him home we were completely overwhelmed. We thought that we were not as prepared as we would have been had my wife been pregnant for nine months. A friend assured us that having read all the books and bought all the paraphernalia, we were probably as prepared as natural parents.”
* 92% of respondents said life has changed since becoming a dad*
Did you know?
A father’s influence is as important as a mother’s. A study conducted in Germany showed that dads who interacted with their kids in sensitive, supportive and challenging ways continued to have a good rapport with them through their teen years.
Father’s top Worries…
- 68% Safety and Security of my child and family
- 15% The future
- 9 % Money
- 6% My child’s health
- 2% Drugs in schools
One father said: “I worry about the future of the country, drugs, teenage pregnancy, and why teenagers wear their pants so low.”
More Work = More Sex
While it may not come as a surprise to most men, it may interest you to know that a study conducted in Germany revealed that dads who are more involved with child rearing and help more with the associated chores fared better in their sex lives with their wives.
...on bonding
“I felt my wife should have the opportunity to bond. I did feel a little left out at times but in a way it was a bit of a relief not to feel too pressured into being an instant father.”
“I bonded with my baby by bathing him everyday. I’d also burp him after feeds and let him fall asleep on my chest. Occasionally I’d get up during the night to sit with my wife while she fed the baby. But that didn’t last long and I felt quite guilty when I realized how exhausted she was.”
“I guess I just took it for granted that bonding was a process and we had our whole lives to do it.”
…on doubts and fears
“I wonder all the time whether I’m doing the right thing and being a good enough father.”
“I worry about the future. Things seemed so simple when we were growing up and now our children live in a much more dangerous world. So, I worry about how to keep my baby safe.”
“My father and I didn’t have a great relationship so I think I overcompensate with my son. I don’t always know if I’m doing the right thing but I know I’m doing my best.”
“I’m away a lot and I don’t think I’m spending enough time with my children. When we are together we do a lot of stuff but I don’t think this makes up for the fact that they probably need me more day to day.”
“I worry about working too hard and not being home enough. I worry about working too little and missing out on the promotion that will mean I can better provide for the future… I just worry a whole lot more about a whole lot of things.”
…on love, sex and marriage after baby
“We definitely have a lot less sex. My wife is often too tired. I do understand although perhaps I don’t always tell her I do. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my old partner.”
“I know my wife worries about having changed since becoming a mother and she worries I don’t like the ‘new’ person. But I think I love her more now for the mother she’s become. To me she’s sexier than ever.”
“My wife and I fight a lot more now. We seem to have more to fight about. Mostly about sharing the load. Obviously when she’s feeling resentful she doesn’t want to be physical. But it’s not that bad.”
“We’ve grown closer since the birth of our baby. We are both tired and so we don’t have as much sex but we know this will change… one day… when the kids are grown up maybe!”
…on the future
“Watching your child grow up is a huge privilege. I enjoy everyday with them.”
“While it’s scary to think about the future, it really is a one-day-at-a-time journey.”
“There’s a lot of pressure on men to provide. I don’t know what the future holds but I know I’m working hard to make sure it’s going to be okay.”
Did you know?
Researchers found that children less
attached to their dads at age 5 were
more anxious, withdrawn and less
self-confident as teens, resulting in
lower acceptance by peers, and
this made them less well adjusted at school
Statements on Fatherhood:
Since becoming a father I:
- am more concerned about the future
- am happier
- have become more responsible
- am more fulfilled
- laugh more
- am more in awe of mothers
Fatherhood has made me realize:
- how much I could love a child
- that there is more to life than work
- how hard it is being a parent
- how much my relationship with my partner would change
- how much money I would spend on a baby
- how tired I would be
Ways in which dads differ to moms:
It is important to understand that fathers parent differently because dads don’t always think like moms. Children obtain different yet complimentary skills from their dad and moms.
- moms are generally more emotional and dads are more detached. Children need to learn both: the expression of emotions as well as detachment from emotions
- Mothers tend to sympathize with their children while dads tend to empathize and look for solutions. A dad’s methods of handling emotions teaches a child that emotions are okay, but that they must not prevent us from taking the necessary steps to resolve the problem
- Moms inspire kids to protect themselves, while dads motivate them to take risks. Challenges are very important for growth. A dad’s adventurous nature helps kids explore their potential and challenges them to grow. Dads teach their kids to face failure bravely and learn from it. This inspires them with self-confidence and independence in performing their tasks
- Moms symbolize sanctuary, warmth and love. Dads symbolize strength for most kids. Therefore, having their dad around gives them a sense of security
- Often it’s the moms, in charge of getting meals on the table and children to bed, who inadvertently teach kids to stick to routine, while dads inspire them to be more flexible. Dads teach kids to take life less seriously and have some serious fun
- Dads are different in the way they nurture and express their affection. For example, a dad may play in a puddle with his kids – it’s his way of telling his kids that he enjoys their kind of fun because he loves them.”
Poll Results:
We asked men and women to tell us how they viewed the father’s role in their family. Here are the results:
When asked whether they felt their husbands and partners were good fathers, 100% of the women said yes.
The women gave an average rating of how they saw their partner’s involvement with the child as 4.5 out of 5 and interestingly enough, the men rated themselves lower than this.
100% of the fathers also felt they were good fathers
When asked how they felt their parents had changed since becoming fathers the women’s top 3 comments were:
- he is more serious
- he is more responsible
- he is more focused on, or worried about, the future
54% of the dads agreed with these statements
The top 3 things men considered made them good fathers were:
- showing his child he/she is loved
- playing with his child
- setting a good example
The top 3 things women considered made their partners a good parent:
- dedication to the family and family time(spending time with the child in particular)
- teaching values and morals
- providing a stable home/providing for the family
Men said that although there wasn’t much they could do as a father that the mother of their child couldn’t do, they believed that there were some physical activities they could do better. Most respondents said they could play rough games and one father said he could “roar like a lion.”
Women felt that their partners were more adventurous and physical than they were and the general feeling was that things like learning to swim, ride a bike and teaching ball games was the domain of the father.
- Your Baby: Pg. 104-108, June 2008.
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